neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I would fuck him just for his dog
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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