people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My bed smells like the plague
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize