i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Randomize
