I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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