i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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