my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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