he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
