you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
