dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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