I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
