Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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