My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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