tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
