Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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