You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
