I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
