After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
