I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
