You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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