Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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