I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
