i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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