so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Ketchup is God's man juice
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
