And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
