You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
