fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's shark week go big or go home
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
