forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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