I think i sorta joined a cult last night
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
