How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
