Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
