ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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