Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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