had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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