His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize