my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
