Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He did a backflip because drugs
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