I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
