I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
