I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
