Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
