we have officially lost it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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