i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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