Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
