Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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