Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
