This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
