Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
