In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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