Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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