I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
