hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
