would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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