She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
