I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
