omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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