I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
