I got chris browned last night
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
