ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
