I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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