is your mom at the bar?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
