things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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